Reflections and Lessons from Five Decades of Coaching

I think I was younger than most the first time a kid called me “Coach.”

At 16, I was planning to be a junior counselor at the local soccer camp in my hometown of Metuchen. New Jersey Soccer Hall of Fame Coach Spencer Rockman was the director of All-Star Soccer Camp (now known as Rovers) at St. Joseph’s High School in Metuchen. The camp was very popular and the demand for soccer coaches in 1979 was not like it is today. With several coaches unavailable, Spencer had no choice but to ask me to take a younger group. He told me that I was different and I was the only high school kid he would ask to do this. Looking back, he probably just said that. But I believed him.

On Sunday night, before Monday’s opening, I was nervous and I thought about my coaches growing up and how they made me feel as a player. In Little League baseball, I had a coach that I feared because he yelled a lot and was just very mean. It seemed I could never do anything right around him. I was sure that I was not going to be a coach that kids would fear.

Then I thought about another Little League coach I had, Mr. Reading. This man always said “Hi” to me when I arrived at the field. He always believed in me and encouraged me to take on challenges that I would have never tried had it not been for his belief in me. When I failed, he never looked disappointed in me. Instead, he would take the time to show me how I could approach things differently. I felt like he genuinely cared about me. I would get home after a game and immediately work on the things he showed me. I remember thinking that this is the coach I wanted to be like.

Spencer Rockman may have been on to something. I was only 20 years old when I sat out a year in college to join him at St. Joseph’s High School as the head coach of the freshman soccer team. At St. Joe’s, Spencer taught me how to be a coach. I watched and learned. It’s crazy to think that those kids I coached in 1983 are getting AARP mail now.

I returned to playing in college and tried to keep playing as long as I could afterward. In 1992, I was asked to be a paid U13 travel team coach, a concept that I had never heard of until then. Only schools and colleges paid coaches at that time. I took the job and I enjoyed it from day one. I coached on nearly every level of youth soccer, coached college and with the pros, as well as men’s and women’s soccer. I learned so much and made many friends through my years of soccer successes and failures.

Fast forward 45 years after a kid first called me “Coach” and soon I’ll be coaching my last game here at Wardlaw+Hartridge. As Athletic Director, I am looking forward to placing all of my focus on creating the best athletic experience for all of our student-athletes. It’s something that I have been committed to over the past two seasons, but it’s time to move on and focus solely on the AD role.

As I look back on my decades of coaching experience, there are some “words of wisdom” that I will try to pass down to my coaches and students here at Wardlaw+Hartridge:

“Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.”  I looked up this quote and about 10 people were given credit. I love this quote because if you compete hard, you will never lose. After every heartbreaking defeat you can always look past the pain and there will be a reason why they won and you did not win. Now that we learned something about ourselves, it is time to get to work to get better.

Strong players will always find a solution to every problem and weak players will always look for an excuse when things go bad. Never be someone that looks to blame others when things do not go your way. If it keeps happening to you, it’s probably not the coach’s fault, or the official’s fault, or your teammate’s fault. Be stronger and look within for a solution. Be a better teammate, and never let a referee’s call break your focus. Respect your coach, who wants you to be successful.

“Respect All, Fear None.” Anyone that knows me is aware that I love this quote. As Athletic Director, I hope that every student-athlete and coach understands why I think this is important. Being respectful is the foundation for anything successful. It leads to higher morale, increased productivity, and a better all-around environment for success. Everyone feels more engaged and valued when they are treated with dignity. In competition, respect is how you guarantee that you will never be caught off guard. If the opponent lost every game before they faced us, respecting them will help ensure that we will not be their first win. Being fearless can mean a lot of things. With high school student-athletes, sometimes it’s just a fear of being embarrassed when you try and do not succeed. Stepping outside of your comfort zones, trying new things, and taking risks is not easy, but it will build resilience that can lead to tremendous personal growth.

“Become a Better Listener.”  I really try, but this one is still a challenge for me. I’m discovering that it can be the most valuable strength of all. Coaches are not often seen as people that place great emphasis on listening. Through my experience, I learned that when I started listening to my teams, I became a better coach. By listening, I build stronger connections, gain more insight, and feel better equipped to motivate. I found that listening helps build credibility. My players and coaches seem more willing to follow my advice or guidance when they know I’m genuinely listening to them.