When is the Right Time to Start Talking About College?

During the past month, the College Counseling Office has had the pleasure of spending some time with our 8th and 9th grade students and families. On Thursday, September 11, we joined Dr. Jonathan Wilson’s 9th Grade Foundations class to talk to students about the college-going process and how to prepare for the next four years of Upper School. We even assigned homework (although nothing too intimidating!) We presented much of this same information to our 9th Grade parents during our virtual Jump Start to College program that same evening, an annual tradition here at W+H. Finally, we were pleased to be invited by our Middle School Head, Mrs. Kirstin Rogers, to speak with our 8th grade families on Thursday, September 25 about the Pathway to College. This new partnership between the College Counseling Office and W+H’s Middle School provides our families with a valuable peek into the college application landscape our seniors are currently facing and how our team supports students and families through this often complicated process. 
 

Speaking with students and (especially) parents at all of these events, one question came through again and again: When is the right time to start talking about college as a family? This is a difficult tightrope for many families to walk as students try to balance the stress of acclimating to Upper School with planning for their future and parents try to stay informed while not adding more pressure to their child’s already full plate. 
 

To that end, I offer these suggestions for our Middle and Upper School parents hoping to start a constructive conversation about college with their child without raising the temperature:
 

Listen without judgment or agenda. As adults and parents we are often quick to jump into “problem-solving mode.” We see our child struggling or falling behind where we *think* they should be and we want to help them. But the college process, like all rites of passage, is not meant to be painless. Students are going to have to grapple with hard questions about themselves – things they’ve likely never had to think about before regarding their motivations, their aspirations and their failures. This is the work of growing up – the journey toward self-awareness – and there is no fast-pass. As parents, the best thing we can do for our children is to be there to listen as they struggle with these big questions, and normalize that struggle. It feels hard because it is hard. You are not doing anything wrong; this is just what being a teenager feels like. I know you can do this. 

Be curious. The college process, while stressful, is also a beautiful time for self-reflection and thoughtful discussion as a family. Try to ask open-ended questions where students won’t feel the pressure of delivering the “right” answer. What are you excited about at school? What’s something you learned this week that surprised you? Similarly, instead of giving your opinion on a subject, try to share your observations instead. I noticed at the Drexel visit you sat up in your seat when they talked about study abroad; is that something you’re interested in? Students are much more apt to share when the conversation feels open, low-stakes and driven by genuine curiosity. 

Start visiting colleges now, but maybe not the ones you would think. Planning a summer vacation somewhere in the United States? Great! Check out a few colleges in the area or even along the way (if driving) where you might be able to stop and either take a formal or self-guided tour. Visiting colleges of different types, sizes, locations and “feels” gives your child the information they need to start piecing together what they are looking for in a college experience. Bonus points if it’s a place you and/or your student has never heard of or considered putting on their college list. Why? Because visiting schools on which you both agree (at least in the beginning!) are not serious contenders for the college list lowers the temperature and allows you to approach the experience with genuine curiosity. Your student is not constantly worried about the impression they’re making or watching to see your reaction at every turn and you, as the parent, can ask important questions that don’t feel “loaded” because the student knows this is just an exploratory mission. 

If you find yourself on opposite sides, press pause. The most important thing throughout the college process is that you remain connected as a family. If you find yourself increasingly in conversations where it feels like parent and child are adversaries or pitted against one another, then the conversation needs to be reframed. As I always tell my students – it’s us together against the problem. A student wants to go to college in California and mom and dad say it’s too far? Neither the student nor the parent is the “problem” here – distance is. So let’s reframe to understand why the student wants to go to California – what’s driving that desire? Is it about California, specifically, or maybe independence more generally? Can that need be met in another way that works for all parties? When we are able to name and externalize the point of contention, it shifts the dynamic from student vs. parent to student + parent vs. problem. That’s the equation we’re looking for.